Extreme voter suppression

538 is now projecting that Obama would win the election if he won a single swing state. Yes, even New Hampshire.

Obama’s win probability is up to 85.4%, and he’s projected to be able to win 269 electoral votes with just the states he’s leading by 5 or more points. Technically, this is a tie, but because a tie throws the election to the House, which would almost certainly be Democrat-controlled, ties probably go to Obama. But that “probably” is why I refuse to think about that clusterfucktastrophe, so I’m going with the winning-a-single-swing-state story.

Even more interesting, to me, is that the likelihood of Obama winning Massachusetts is now up to 99%. What, I wonder, accounts for that other one percent? The first possible scenario was that some horrible plague swept through Boston and the Happy Valley, somehow leaving the 495 loop, the South Shore and the Cape untouched. But how a plague could get from Boston to Western Mass without affecting the 495 loop I could not hope to explain to you.

The second, and much more plausible, scenario is one I’m a little ashamed I didn’t think of to begin with: Zombies. It’s the only logical possibility. As we all know, higher education tends to correspond to liberalism, and Massachusetts is just full of highly educated people and their juicy, juicy brains. Naturally, with such a smorgasbord of tasty delicacies available, the zombies would entirely bypass the serviceable but less desirable brains of those without postgrad degrees. By election day, the remaining 5% of the population would be much more likely to vote Republican.

But why would Massachusetts be attacked by zombies, you ask? Karl Rove, I say. Think about it: It’s the perfect Rovian tactic. Most of us dirty longhaired liberals don’t own guns, and with all our pesky gun-control laws, we won’t be able to run out and stock up on shotguns when the zombiepocalypse begins. In fact, we’ll probably be too busy sipping our lattes and debating Kierkegaard to even defend ourselves. We’re sitting ducks!

Joke’s on Rove, though. We have a house full of quarterstaves and chain mail. This dirty liberal, at least, is going to survive.


One Response

  1. Aren’t zombies always the second thing one thinks of?


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